Comments - Shopkeeper Story 1 - Maximum Ride Unofficial Community2024-03-28T09:05:11Zhttp://flockforum.ning.com/profiles/comment/feed?attachedTo=2971573%3ABlogPost%3A115933&xn_auth=noAnd yes, you have my permissi…tag:flockforum.ning.com,2011-12-11:2971573:Comment:1169282011-12-11T20:56:49.160ZEndOfTheEarthhttp://flockforum.ning.com/profile/EndOfTheEarth
<p>And yes, you have my permission to use that if you want.</p>
<p>And yes, you have my permission to use that if you want.</p> A) I mean, any scene at all s…tag:flockforum.ning.com,2011-12-11:2971573:Comment:1170322011-12-11T20:45:38.361ZEndOfTheEarthhttp://flockforum.ning.com/profile/EndOfTheEarth
<p>A) I mean, any scene at all should get the character into it as quickly as possible Show emotion, ask questions, but all of it must have some forward momentum to it. Even if this is part of the body of the work, we need to be pulled into it as soon as possible.</p>
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<p>C) I can only work with what you've given me. You may have these personality aspects in place, but unless you are going to show them, I cannot grasp them. Bringing me to the infamous writers mantra:<br></br>Show, don't…</p>
<p>A) I mean, any scene at all should get the character into it as quickly as possible Show emotion, ask questions, but all of it must have some forward momentum to it. Even if this is part of the body of the work, we need to be pulled into it as soon as possible.</p>
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<p>C) I can only work with what you've given me. You may have these personality aspects in place, but unless you are going to show them, I cannot grasp them. Bringing me to the infamous writers mantra:<br/>Show, don't tell.</p>
<p>So when you use the little descriptions of "she winced" or "she regained her composure" show us what this means, exactly, down to the finest detail. If I were to write the scene of her regaining consciousness, it might look something like this:</p>
<p><em>She slumped forward suddenly, her neck and arms limp, like some discarded rag doll. With a shuddering gasp, she raised her head, and Card could see that the black tears had vanished. Her eyes darted wildly about the room, a somewhat shocked look on her face, as if she'd just escaped some cavernous nightmare. The Trader was back, Card assumed--at that moment her eyes locked onto his face and she froze. The lines of fear on her face slowly smoothed themselves out, and her lips morphed from slightly-apart bewilderment to a growing, sickening knowing grin. “The price has been paid," she stated, "Your son is now completely recovered.”</em></p>
<p><em>Card didn't know what to make of this sudden change in face. "Does it hurt?" he asked.</em></p>
<p><em>Her upper lip twitched at the question, quickly, so fast that Card wondered if it had happened at all. "It's part of the contract I signed," she replied dryly. It was a dodge, Card knew, but it spoke volumes.</em></p>
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<p>So while I'm sure that you haven't neglected this character at all, there are things you can do to show us quite a lot in the writing, without giving anything away. <em>Especially</em> in the body of the work.</p> 1. Understood. Somewhat. You…tag:flockforum.ning.com,2011-12-11:2971573:Comment:1168372011-12-11T19:57:25.699ZFake Fanghttp://flockforum.ning.com/profile/FakeFang
<p>1. Understood. Somewhat. You were clear, but to specify:</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A. Do you mean, "don't start a novel/story/published work with a boring scene", or "don't start a short story (if it can even be called that...) with one at all?" Meaning, I don't intend to post this as a standalone work, or make it the beginning of a book. Actually, I kind of shafted the reader on this one, as the revelation of what Al is was supposed to take place near the end, rather than the first thing the reader…</p>
<p>1. Understood. Somewhat. You were clear, but to specify:</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A. Do you mean, "don't start a novel/story/published work with a boring scene", or "don't start a short story (if it can even be called that...) with one at all?" Meaning, I don't intend to post this as a standalone work, or make it the beginning of a book. Actually, I kind of shafted the reader on this one, as the revelation of what Al is was supposed to take place near the end, rather than the first thing the reader reads. Ah, well.</p>
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<p>B. Roger.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>C. Nonchalant...maybe. I might have not developed her enough, but you're not giving me enough credit if you think that the characterization she showed in this is all she has. I've developed quite an extensive personality for her, which can be summarized as her being incredibly lonely and selfish. She might not like being the Balance's host, but she doesn't like the loneliness much, either--and you'd be suprised at how much pain we'd go through to stay sane. She has been alive for a relatively short amount of time, but time is very much relative, and she hasn't aged at all during her time as the shopkeeper due to her immortality. She's been alive a short while, but her perception of it is...well, off. Meaning that, mentally, she's a good hundred thousand years old. When she says, "Two months," without a customer to keep her company...well, mentally, it's been a lot longer than that. As a result of this, she's emotionally...strange.</p>
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<p>She is, above all, frightened. Al, the Balance, her Contractor...none of them can kill her, and pain she can live through, but they can play off that loneliness.</p>
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<p>In short, I agree with you that she needs more work, but I haven't completely neglected her personality.</p> It's an interesting idea, and…tag:flockforum.ning.com,2011-12-11:2971573:Comment:1167272011-12-11T19:37:10.200ZEndOfTheEarthhttp://flockforum.ning.com/profile/EndOfTheEarth
<p>It's an interesting idea, and the prose is pretty good for sure. Though three big things stuck out to me in this work that I think could use your attention.</p>
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<p>1) NEVER START WITH A BORING SCENE. Ever. Starting with your character sitting, waiting, bored, does not compel your reader to want to read. give them something to latch onto; a feeling, an action, a problem, even if it's a minor or silly one.</p>
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<p>2) Stick to one narrator, do not shift mid-scene. Halfway through…</p>
<p>It's an interesting idea, and the prose is pretty good for sure. Though three big things stuck out to me in this work that I think could use your attention.</p>
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<p>1) NEVER START WITH A BORING SCENE. Ever. Starting with your character sitting, waiting, bored, does not compel your reader to want to read. give them something to latch onto; a feeling, an action, a problem, even if it's a minor or silly one.</p>
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<p>2) Stick to one narrator, do not shift mid-scene. Halfway through you shift from the Trader to Dr. Al, and this is disorienting to me, the reader. Pick either the Trader or Dr. Al, and stick with them through the piece. If this a collection of shorts, then the perspective should be with whomever can carry the narrator's camera around the most.</p>
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<p>3) The Trader is extremely nonchalant about her circumstances. Let's look at what this character goes through again:</p>
<blockquote><p>Trader let out a cry, and black blood began to flow from her eyes. She writhed and twisted, in obvious agony, and it seemed as if the whole world was focused on her for that instant.</p>
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<p>If there is any legitimacy to what is going on, I would imagine that this experience is anything but comfortable. I also refuse to believe that she was born with this existance (would be dull, wouldn't it?), and even if she was, she knows that her experience is a unique one. Yet what is her emotional reply?</p>
<blockquote><p> the black tears gone, a dazed look on her face. She blinked, and quickly regained her composure. “The price has been paid. Your son is now completely recovered.” But for some reason, she couldn’t meet Card’s eyes.</p>
<p><br/> The man smiled slightly at her, before asking, in a quiet voice, “So you’re that…Existence’s host?”</p>
<p><br/> The Trader shrugged, and took a sip from her coffee, before wincing slightly. “Occasionally. When a Contract takes place. I don’t like It that much, and from the looks of it, neither did you, but…having that thing inside my soul, my body, my mind is a part of the Contract I signed.”</p>
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<p>This thing should be on her mind constantly, part of what makes us human is that we hate painful choices, and we utterly despise painful choices with long term affects. Hence why we want to cure cancer, diabetes, Alzheimer's Disorder, and so on. Even if you don't show us this directly through narrations, it should be visible through her actions. She should not want any business at all, and should be trying to avoid business when it comes.</p>
<p>Unless, of course, there's a part of this that you didn't tell us, like she's getting some kind of obscene pleasure rush out of being the Balance's meat puppet.</p>
<p>Regardless, the Trader's character needs more development</p>