Welcome to the Secret Confessions thread. Beyond the pure anonymity of the internet, there lies a certain level of understanding behind all the accounts here on FF. The SC account carries burden of allowing the user to give a candid, private confession with (hopefully) understanding feedback. The SC thread is for other posters to give kind and/or helpful advice, words of empathy, or a secret of their own (under the SC name or not).
This account is a group account, and EVERYONE needs to treat it respectfully. By posting under the Secret Confessor, you are pledging to refrain from hate mail, "finger-pointing", insulting and being a jerkface. By posting in the SC thread, you are pledging to keep the comments respectful. This has not yet been a problem, but it's nice to have written down "just in case".
If you would like to use the SC account for ANY reason beside posting in this thread, please PM me- even if it's under the SC name (this is not to exert authority, but to maintain order over a very accessible account).
*understands*
You'll be okay. *hugs* We're here for you. It'll get better. And to be honest, it'll get worse again. And then it'll get better again. Life just goes in cycles like that. You'll be fine. We're here for you, hon.
When I was ten years old, I had friends who mentally abused me. They went out of their way to make me feel small, and insignificant. They went out of their way to make me feel bad aboput myself, to make me hate myself. They lied and kept me hanging, they told me they hated me, and then told me to come hang out with them. They made fun of me, and they made sure I never knew for sure whether I would have friends the next day or not. I was so scared all the time, so scared that they would decide I wasn't good enough for them, that I would make myself sick, just so I could go home. And they knew, that I would keep coming back for more, because I had no one else.
It took me two years of utter torture, before I had the courage to leave, but ever since then, I can't be close to people anymore. I go out of my way to find friends that don't like me, just because I'm afraid to have real friends. And when I actually do have a friend or a boyfriend who's close to me, I immeditaly pull away because I can't handle trusting someone to be close to me anymore.
I hate it, and for my family's sake, I act like I have good friends, but they don't even like me. They treat me badly and I let it happen, because I'm afraid to have friends that actually treat me well. I expect everyone to hate me, and I can barly even be social with my family, without expecting them to hate me.
The other day, I saw her. The ring leader of my old friends, the one that hurt me most. And no matter how long it's been, I couldn't help but want to scream and hurt her, the way she hurt me. She ruined my life. I may never be able to have a real relationship or a real friendship because of her. Thanks to her, I'll be alone. And it scares me so much.
I... understand. Completely. Not all of my friends, but some of them.... are like that, right now. And, yeah, I let them be like that. Meh.
You won't be alone. I understand being afraid of getting close to people, completely. *is kind of an all-or-nothing person, in that scenario* But you'll be fine.