Secret Confessions

[Doomy]

[Edited Because I Fracking Can]

Welcome to the Secret Confessions thread. Beyond the pure anonymity of the internet, there lies a certain level of understanding behind all the accounts here on FF. The SC account carries burden of allowing the user to give a candid, private confession with (hopefully) understanding feedback. The SC thread is for other posters to give kind and/or helpful advice, words of empathy, or a secret of their own (under the SC name or not).

This account is a group account, and EVERYONE needs to treat it respectfully. By posting under the Secret Confessor, you are pledging to refrain from hate mail, "finger-pointing", insulting and being a jerkface. By posting in the SC thread, you are pledging to keep the comments respectful. This has not yet been a problem, but it's nice to have written down "just in case".

If you would like to use the SC account for ANY reason beside posting in this thread, please PM me- even if it's under the SC name (this is not to exert authority, but to maintain order over a very accessible account).

Thank you!


email/login:
[e-mail]
Password: secret

[Fate]

XD It's not annoying. It reminds me why I luff you.

[Secret Confessor]

1: I'm so sorry.

Just forget me, okay? Pretend I never happened, or that I'm dead.

I know I don't even deserve to talk to you after the way I must have hurt you, but I hope you forget me. Even as a memory, I'm not worth it.

2: I don't know how to connect to people. I can't communicate like a normal person, and I'm always afraid I'll fuck up and hurt someone if I try.

Sometimes I think I'm getting better, and then something happens and I remember I never will. The best I can do is pretend that I know what I'm doing.

And I know everyone can tell I'm faking it.

3: Even if I did meet the 'perfect' person who would put up with my bullshit, we wouldn't hit it off and I wouldn't let a relationship develop. I can't do that to someone, force them to deal with me.

Don't tell me it gets better. I fuck up every time; I'm cruel or I'm cold, or I do some fucking thing wrong and it pushes people away from me. I can't even deal with animals. I can't interact with anything without fucking it up somehow. At this point it just isn't worth it; people get hurt when I try to be social; anyone I befriend will eventually get hurt by something I do. I can't bear to have even the possibility of that on my conscience, not anymore.

[Secret Confessor]

I'm always pretending to be somebody I'm not.

I feel like I have to be somebody I'm not. Because if I was me, actually me, people would hate me. I would be the snarky, sarcastic, stubborn, and depressed chick nobody would even want to talk to. If I was me, I'd be avoided, called a 'troll' on every site, be banned 11,502,628,573 times by now on every site everywhere, and wouldn't have friends.

And this different person thing isn't helping. At all. If anything, it's making things worse.

I'm one of those self-centered people who desperately wants to steal spotlights because she never had one for herself. I'm one of those people who hates themself on the inside, but pretends everything is just fine because she's to damn stubborn to admit that nobody is ever, in a million years, going to notice me. Ever.

And, being one of those people, I hate myself. And, being one of those people who hates themself, I feel the need to be somebody else. And by being somebody else, I'm only making it harder for myself. So I hate myself more.

I'm short. I'm ugly. I'm fake. I'm self-centered. I'm stubborn. I'm stupid. I'm unhappy. I'm depressing. I'm weird. I'm too mature. I'm desperate for love that I can't have. I'm constantly bringing conversations to me because I see the other person as 'boring'. I'm boring. I'm not tasteful. I'm mood-swingy. I'm a cry-baby who hates to lose. I'm a coward. I'm antisocial.
I think low of myself. I don't have any self-confidence or pride. I think stupid things. I think sappy things. I hate TV. I don't have any motivation to do anything, so I don't. I draw; though I get many compliments, I still think I suck at it. I drop hints that nobody gets. I hate personal contact. I apologize over everything and think everything is my fault. I blame it on others if I don't think It's my fault. I constantly look for excuses not to do stuff. I waste stuff. I can't fit in.

*Hangs head*

I hate myself.

So much.

[Secret Confessor]

I finally like who I am, and who I'm becoming.
But. . . . is it justified if I was a horrible bitch to get here?
I'm finally out of whatever slump I was in, or at least am more likely to be out more often. Yet, I feel like I should feel worse reg. the time I was nothing but depressed.

[Secret Confessor]

I'm so alone. I'm tired of being so alone.

[Secret Confessor]

I don't need someone to talk to, and I don't need advice. What I want is for someone to pat me on the back and say "you're beautiful, and a lovely person, and such a martyr the way you deal with what you have going on." 

But I'm not a martyr, I'm someone who really just wants attention. Kids can get physically abused by their parents, and I bitch about being called fat? I complain all the time so that I can feel better about myself as a person compared to my surroundings, or blame my failings on them. 

This needs to stop. I'm being silly. I'm being the kind of person I don't like.

[Megan (Fishy)]

So, there are a lot of posts here that I haven't responded to.

To be efficient --

SC from 18hours ago:

1. Nobody's going to forget you. We all love you, stop being so hard on yourself. Many of us are not exactly subtle people, you would know if something was different.

2. Lots of people have that problem. Not everyone is a natural conversationalist, but you have to work with what you have, and other people who're better at making conversation will help you along.

3. Honey, I don't know any other way to say this, but it does get better. The 'perfect person' doesn't have to 'put up' with you, they enjoy being with you and they love you as you are. Sure, not everyone will, but that's life. The people who should matter in your life like you just as you are already.

SC who isn't acting like herself

Predictable, I know, but you shouldn't hate yourself. You shouldn't. If snarky and sarcastic is who you are, then by all means, be snarky and sarcastic. Just know when to cool it. You don't have to be like that all the time... actually, if you were, it'd be unnatural, and you'd probably be faking it a portion of the time. I understand the desire for an identity, but you don't need to find that identity in personality traits. You've only listed bad traits here, many of which aren't even true.
You don't need to hate yourself, you just need to go easier on yourself. For every bad thing you say or think about yourself, come up with two good things. It shouldn't be hard, everyone has bad traits, but everyone has more good than bad.
We love you. Talk to me if you need to.

SC who actually likes who they are now

Yes. It's justified. Everyone goes through rough patches, and everyone is bitchy sometimes. As long as you like who you are now, and you make up for it by being a good person now, it's fine. Keep at it. :D

SC who feels alone

This one's easy. Talk to me. :D PM me or something, or if you have me on FB, then that. I'm always around to talk.
...that said, if you're looking for someone IRL, and you don't happen to live in the Greater Sacramento area, then I can't really help in that way. But, keep your head up, because it will get better. I don't care how stupid that sounds, it's true. Life gets better. You can be lonely one year and have more friends than you have time for the next. Even if you're shy, or reclusive, you will still make RL friends in time.

SC who wants to be appreciated

Emotional abuse or bullying can hurt worse than physical abuse. It's just that simple. And in reality, when kids are abused by their parents, in many cases the emotional aspect of "my dad is supposed to love me but he hits me" hurts more than the actual bruises and whatnot.
You are perfectly justified in being upset over being called fat. Those comments hurt, I know. But you just have to remind yourself that those people are wrong, and there are way more people out there who think you're gorgeous. I don't know who you are, but I'm sure you are. :D

EVERYONE

Uh, hi. Sorry for the long post. But... all of these needed to be responded to, and there were no other responses, so this was easier. Be happy. :D

[Secret Confessor]

*SC who isn't acting like herself*

But I do. I know I shouldn't. I've been told by numerous people that I shouldn't.
But if I be snarky and sarcastic, I'm afraid I'll lose the little friends I have.
But I am. I'm constantly retorting in my head because I'm too much of a fucking coward to say it out-loud.
Because I am only made up of bad traits. I don't have any good things about me. Unless liking the colors brown, blue, and green a good trait. Or just liking color in general.
I never said I needed to hate myself; I just do. I can't go easier on myself because... well, I don't know. You know how when you try to say something, but it gets caught in your throat because just can't say it? It's kinda like that.
...Not with me. My bad traits far exceed the good.
Sure you do. I hear that everyday, and dammit, everybody who says it is a liar. They don't love me, they love the girl who represents me.

[Megan (Fishy)]

Snarky and sarcastic can be really funny. It's not always a bad thing, just be classy.

You are not only made up of bad traits. Nobody is, and especially nobody here, because everybody here is wonderful. I'd list all of your good traits that come to mind if I knew who you were, even.

Honey, people can only love who you show them. If they know nothing about the 'real' you, then yeah, they don't love the real you... because they don't know you yet. If you let people get to know you, a lot of people would love you, for you. I promise.

[Mudkip]

I fail at that. I always come out as snappish and rude.

No I'm not. :D I'm not awesome or wonderful or amazing or supercalifragilisticexpialidocious like anybody here. At all.

I know. And it makes me feel even worse, because when I try to be myself, I just...like... I dunno. Refer to the whole 'words caught in your throat' thing again.
Thing is, I'd mess everything up if people loved me for being snarky and sarcastic and rude and everything else I listed, and things I didn't list but meant to-- I'm pessimistic, rude, easily annoyed, and snappy.

And I'm not going to bother with the SC account. .-.

[Contradiction]

I'm not awesome or wonderful or amazing or supercalifragilisticexpialidocious like anybody here.

Yes, in fact, you are.

[Mudkip]

I'm really not.