Secret Confessions

[Doomy]

[Edited Because I Fracking Can]

Welcome to the Secret Confessions thread. Beyond the pure anonymity of the internet, there lies a certain level of understanding behind all the accounts here on FF. The SC account carries burden of allowing the user to give a candid, private confession with (hopefully) understanding feedback. The SC thread is for other posters to give kind and/or helpful advice, words of empathy, or a secret of their own (under the SC name or not).

This account is a group account, and EVERYONE needs to treat it respectfully. By posting under the Secret Confessor, you are pledging to refrain from hate mail, "finger-pointing", insulting and being a jerkface. By posting in the SC thread, you are pledging to keep the comments respectful. This has not yet been a problem, but it's nice to have written down "just in case".

If you would like to use the SC account for ANY reason beside posting in this thread, please PM me- even if it's under the SC name (this is not to exert authority, but to maintain order over a very accessible account).

Thank you!


email/login:
[e-mail]
Password: secret

[Secret Confessor]

I'd rather use the secret confession login, if thats ok .-. Though they aren't that bad...

- I literally hate my brother, and I don't mean that in the light sense. My life got infinitely better (minus dad's rants now being focused on me) when he left home, and I hope he never comes back. He was a nasty child to grow up with, like he used to spend his time trying to antagonise or scare me just for the hell of it. Thanks to him I'm now scared of small spaces (being locked inside a cupboard), the dark ( see previous) and being tailgated on the road (used to ride his bike so close his front wheel would grind on my back, threw me off a few times.). I've been told I should grow up and forgive and forget, but I find it hard to forgive someone that used to hold me to a wall by my neck, put his face so his nose was touching mine and bare his teeth while he spoke.

- I considered suicide for most of the last two years of my High School. It wasn't anything massive, but I'd been bullied all the other years and transferred to a school where, instead of being bullied, I was ignored. By everyone (and that included the teachers.). I had one friend, but the rest of her group would take her off to lunch without me, so I'd be sat in the common room on my own most of the time. I'm pretty sure unless something drastic happened, I never would have had the balls to do it, mind you. I used to sit on the edge of the bath with a razor in my hand and my wrist outstretched for hours, but even got to putting it to my skin. My salvation was another webforum where I made friends. They may not have been in the real world for me, but it was better than none at all.

- I still have suicidal thoughts now and then, but no where near as often, and it has (thankfully) been a few years since I've had a razor to my arm.

- I'm pretty sure I'm depressed, but I refuse to go and see a doctor about it. I have a complex about being dependant on medication and don't want to end up in the same boat as my brother (he takes depression meds and pills that let him ingest caffiene every day.), so I havent been to the doctor about it. On that subject, I'm sure it's not inherrited, because until I got bullied at school I have been told I was the happiest kid anyone had ever seen.

- Lastly, I should probably be seeing a therapist. Not because of any of my fears or the depression, but my mind. I have a pretty bad grasp on reality, and the fact that I notice that annoys me no end. I often dont think about where the money I use is coming from until I have to get more out, so a debit or credit card is death to me. I don't often understand why something can't happen when it's to do with a fundamental thing and having it explained to me makes me feel stupid. It is also very paranoid, my mind. I dont know if thats to do with my brother or just the way I was born, but it gets rallied up very easily and I easily get disturbed sleep or nightmares. The disturbed sleep comes from too much stimulation of one kind (being at work for a lot of the day, a karate class, too much TV) and I slip in and out of dreams maybe twenty or thirty times a night. On the nightmares, they're usually bloody and contain my own or, more recently, my bf's death. They keep me awake at night.

[Lamp Post]

Love, just. . . *offers tea*

'Tis lovely you at least were able to feel better on the interwebs and are getting better, at least.

I hope things only get better. Feel free to talk to me via PM, too.

[Secret Confessor]

Heh, tea has always been something that helps me chill out when they get a bit much.

I do have a few friends out side of the internet now, but all but one of them are pretty fickle when it comes to actually meeting up with you or listening. Most of them only know bits of the above story, and the one close friend knows almost all of it.

Sadly the site that helped me get over all of that has become rather dead, though I am still in touch with the friends I made there by Yahoo and MSN. It's a shame the place died, but I did meet my boyfriend there, and he's certainly one of the best things that's happened in my life. Shame he worries about me so much .-. he keeps asking if I'm okay when I don't sleep properly, very prone to bags under my eyes. I'm happy he cares so much, but I don't want to worry him...

I'm glad to have it off my chest, really. I'm grateful for this secret confession thing, it was a great idea, and thank you. I might PM you sometime, if that's alright. I need someone to talk to sometimes...

[Lamp Post]

Heh, I completely understand the not wanting someone to worry like that. >.<"

Of course it's alright. We all do.

[Megan (Fishy)]

Oh come on, you need to be worried about. So do you, Secret Confessor.

[Lamp Post]

*does not*

She does though. *offers more tea, and scones, and ice cream to SC*

[Megan (Fishy)]

You both do. Very much so. *hugs everyone on this thread*

[Secret Confessor]

I'm in a weirdly destructive mood. I feel like I'm either going to do something horrible to my life or something good. But mostly I feel like I'm about to royally fuck things up with someone that's making me very happy. :/

[Lamp Post]

v.v *same*

[Secret Confessor]

I, um... I felt the need to write about my problems. v.v

1. My parents are going crazy. My mom has been depressed for a while. I don't know if my dad really did have an affair with his assistant or not, but with the effects it's having on my family he might as well have. And I'm to the point where I kind of just want them to get divorced. They're staying together just for me and I know that, but it's awful when they fight, and they take it out on me when they're angry.
Of course, if they did get divorced, I would most likely have to live with my mom, and I think I would literally go insane. I can't stand her. And... Sometimes when I'm really mad, I think about different ways I could kill her. I don't know what the hell made me so violent, but it's not good for me.

2. I can't find a balance. I don't like the people in my real life. They lie and they go behind my back and they're mean and I just don't feel like being friends with them anymore. We have nothing in common, so I feel like an outsider while they're talking about their G.I. boyfriends and what happened last week on The Secret Life and all sorts of other crap. When I joined MX, I found people who are genuinely nice to me. We have things in common. We can talk about things and have fun. It just... Doesn't feel right. I'm supposed to have RL friends too.... I just don't like them. At all. I don't really want a balance.

3. My mom is upset with how much I'm on the internet. I don't really get it, she won't let me hang out with normal kids my age, anyone older than me, anyone of the opposite sex who might be interested in me... The more that I go to the internet to avoid my real life, the more I'm afraid that my mom will restrict my internet use completely. And if that happened... I'm not sure I'd have any life at all. I don't feel like this dependence on my computer is healthy, but my alternative is equally bad for me.

4. My sister is abandoning me. The last time she came home, she said that she wouldn't be back for a long time because my dad commented on her weight again. Yet she leaves me here with a mom who I can never be smart enough for, a dad who I can never be thin enough for, and doesn't seem to care at all. I even asked if I could come visit her sometime in the summer to get away and she said "we'll see".

5. My list is sort of ramble-y and not-cohesive, but my self image. I played sports, I dieted, all to lose weight so I could make my dad happy. A huge mistake, I see now, because just as he starves himself to reach impossible goals, I'll never be good enough for him. Half of me knows that my doctor and the rest of the freaking world says I'm perfectly healthy and within the normal weight range, but I just really wanted him to be happy, and I'm still not good enough.

EDIT: 6. And now I'm crying. I don't know why I always cry and make a big deal out of things, I just do. I feel like I can't handle anything anymore. Other people are being physically abused and I'm whining and going all suicidal for this, which is stupid, which makes me hate myself more. It's like I'm PMSing 24/7.

So... Yeah... I just felt like writing all of that. :/

[Lamp Post]

Oh, jeez, you have no idea how much of this is scary similar to what I'm dealing with or fear of soon coming. I wish I knew who you were to better send you love and help.

Regardless, good luck, hon. We love you here and I hope everything gets better. If not, just say the word and we'll abduct you or something.

[Megan (Fishy)]

Aww. *hugs* Good luck. Remember you can talk to any of us, ever. PM, whatever, we're all always here. I don't know who you are, but even if I don't know you you can PM me if you wanna talk....