Liz's Page

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Never take life seriously. No one gets out alive anyway.

People who've said anything's possible obviously haven't tried slamming a revolving door.

Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars, and I thought, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?

Therapist=The/rapist... scary thought.

The town was so dull that when the tide went out, it refused to come back in.

Tell the truth and run.

Always remember, you're unique. Just like everyone else.

What happens when you get scared half to death twice?

Person #1: *dramatically* Why must the good die young!?
Person #2: Well, it explains why you're still alive.

Madness? THIS...IS...SPARTA!

Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible.

If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience.

Sometimes the littlest things in life are the hardest to take. You can sit on a mountain more comfortably than on a tack.

If you're going through hell, keep going.

The darkest hour has only sixty minutes.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheaper than medicine…

The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.

You are well-educated and you look cute, but that’s not going to cut it.

Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

I'm a nobody. Nobody's perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!

Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.

The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.

Everything in Nature contains all the powers of Nature. Everything is made of one hidden stuff.

I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in Nature, which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright.

I can enjoy society in a room; but out of doors, nature is company enough for me.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I dont make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

It's clearly a budget. Its got a lot of numbers in it.

In your face conspiracy theorists!

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.

If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

If bread always lands peanut butter side down, then it stands to reason that if you put peanut butter on BOTH sides of the bread, it will hover above the floor indefinitely.

To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows good management skills.