Secret Confessions

[Doomy]

[Edited Because I Fracking Can]

Welcome to the Secret Confessions thread. Beyond the pure anonymity of the internet, there lies a certain level of understanding behind all the accounts here on FF. The SC account carries burden of allowing the user to give a candid, private confession with (hopefully) understanding feedback. The SC thread is for other posters to give kind and/or helpful advice, words of empathy, or a secret of their own (under the SC name or not).

This account is a group account, and EVERYONE needs to treat it respectfully. By posting under the Secret Confessor, you are pledging to refrain from hate mail, "finger-pointing", insulting and being a jerkface. By posting in the SC thread, you are pledging to keep the comments respectful. This has not yet been a problem, but it's nice to have written down "just in case".

If you would like to use the SC account for ANY reason beside posting in this thread, please PM me- even if it's under the SC name (this is not to exert authority, but to maintain order over a very accessible account).

Thank you!


email/login:
[e-mail]
Password: secret

[Hannah]

Dude, I never understand this. The one time two boys liked me at the same time, I was all "XDDDDD SO MUCH FUN."

Creepers, however... Not fun. You have my sympathies. That is a lot of guys though. It's like they were coming at a normal rate and then they all got plugged up and all of a sudden, WOOSH; It's raining attractive men. Well, err, good luck. Might want to invest in an umbrella?

[RantingSidekick]

It's more like:

I really want a boyfriend.  So choosing to commit to one of them while not leading on the other..

 

UMBRELLER.

[Hannah]

*flashback to Glee Singing In The Rain disaster*

FUCKNO.

[EndOfTheEarth]

^This.

[Secret Confessor]

I want a bathroom scale for Christmas.

If I don't know how much I weigh, how will I know when I've met my goal?

[Megan (Fishy)]

When you feel good. Like, not "feel good about yourself" bullshit, but when you physically feel healthy and energetic. You can feel the difference between healthy and unhealthy, it's not a specific number.

[Xuut]

It makes me really happy to know that someone cares for me this much to actually bug me every single day about where I am.

 

Which makes lying so much worse.

 

I wish I was eighteen right now so badly.

[Nighthawk]

I think I've been through some of that under my own circumstances... Care to share?

[Nighthawk]

On Christmas Eve, I will have been dating Cody for 5 months.

I know I'm under my real name, but none of my RL friends even acknowledge the existence of this place, and you guys would know who I was anyway. And I know you guys don't want to hear all about it, but I have nowhere else to go except for a diary, and this just seems more satisfying, I guess.

 

Okay, so I'm really stupid. Really. First of all, I'm seventeen, and he's nineteen. He's graduating next month. I'm pretty sure he's going to college, but he hasn't been serious about it or applied for anything yet. His grades aren't exactly as great as they should be, either. I think I'm way more serious about that than he is, and that's really saying something. But the future plans are the hard part that I haven't even looked at yet. What I'm upset about is now.

When I met Cody, I had no idea how messed up he was. I mean sure, he's got a tattoo and he smokes. (Huh, it sounds a lot worse reading over it than finding out in real life...) But I didn't know he's done other stuff before, like drugs and... other stuff... that I'm only slowly finding the extent of now. But that, that I know of anyway, was only the one-time, experimental kind of thing. Not like smoking. And about that... he told me when we started dating almost five months ago that he was going to quit. He told me that he had quit in October. 

Yesterday, Cody picked me up to watch a movie at his house. I got in his car, and it smelled like cigarette smoke.

The thing is, I knew before that. I'd noticed for weeks that he smelled like smoke. I was wishing that he'd tell me the truth the whole time. I finally asked him yesterday if I was right, just to get it confirmed by him. He said he'd gotten a prescription to help him quit, and that he was trying. I wasn't upset that he hadn't been able to quit yet, but because he lied to me. I was silent for the entire half an hour in the car on the way to his house.

I'm stupid because I forgave him ten minutes after we got inside. I told him that I was upset because he lied to me, and he told me that he was trying to make me think he was a better person and that he was sorry. Then we just watched the movie and were happy and whatever like we normally are. I can't stay mad at him, and I hate myself for it. 

The thing is, he's a good liar and I can't tell a lie to save my life. I can't tell what's really going on in his head. He's always so careful not to do anything wrong around me, but around everyone else he's loud and funny and crazy and spontaneous. He can be whoever anyone wants him to be, but I don't know who he really is. He's the total opposite of me - the sheltered, weird, quiet girl, who's pretty much "what you see is what you get" and has never done anything really bad.

The worst part about it is that I love him. And he loves me. This is very bad. First of all, he's only my second real boyfriend, and it feels strange to me that I'm this sure even though I'm only seventeen. Also, he's two years older than me, and he's been through more than I even know about. I can't tell what he's thinking or planning. And we're still in school. The school thing is extremely important. It's going to be hard for me to focus during exams, and I forget to study... And if there's any future for us, what if we go to different schools and have to spend a lot of time away from each other, which we probably will? (Totally unrelated side note - He wants to take me on a two or three week long trip to Paris in a year and a half. I can only imagine where his mind's going with that...) And there's so much more that I think about that I can't even type out because it's all really stupid and long and has nothing to do with anything except for what the lives of people you guys will probably never meet could be like one day. 

Ugh. Anyway, I feel really stupid. For thinking ahead about things that might not even be, for being so sure about something I shouldn't be, for forgiving so easily, for writing what would be a five-page diary entry on the internet, for falling for such a messed up guy, and so much other stuff... 

Thanks for putting this thread here anyway, so I could spill without annoying anyone. I actually feel a lot better now that I've said it all.

[EndOfTheEarth]

Hmmm...

There are parts about this that you should and shouldn't be worried about.

You shouldn't be worried, for example, about the age thing, or even the academics thing.

The drugs and all that other stuff should be your concern if they are affecting the way he treats you.

What you should be worried about is the fact that he's a good liar. As a shy girl, it's difficult for you to go around and ask him and others for clarification, but a serious lack of honesty in a relationship is always an extremely bad sign.

The other major thing that you should be worried about is as to whether this is honest love or nursing instinct. The latter is commonly the case with girls, and it always winds up in heartbreak; you start a relationship with a guy thinking that you can fix them, something which is next to impossible and will in fact make the situation worse--a truly good relationship is someone that you're just happy to be around, not someone you feel obliged to fix. Now, I don't know if this is the case with you, but if it is, pull out.

[Nighthawk]

Those are exactly what I'm most concerned about. Well, the first major one at least... With the other, I didn't even know about all of this stuff until long after we started dating, and he started trying to change without my even noticing at first. 

I really am worried about the lying thing though. I think I've got to start talking to him more about this stuff, but it's really hard for me.

[RantingSidekick]

Found out via internet post that my sister doesn't want to be home.

Which, I mean, is understandable, but can you really not tolerate this place that much?

 

I haven't seen you in four months.  Don't tell me that your university is more like home than this is.

 

I know you never liked me much, but... I miss you so much.

You've been home for almost two weeks and I haven't even seen you.  The ten minutes at mealtimes don't count, because you don't say anything.

 

Why don't you care anymore?  Can't you at least pretend?  You won't even decorate the tree.

*shouldn't be crying this early in the morning*