Secret Confessions

[Doomy]

[Edited Because I Fracking Can]

Welcome to the Secret Confessions thread. Beyond the pure anonymity of the internet, there lies a certain level of understanding behind all the accounts here on FF. The SC account carries burden of allowing the user to give a candid, private confession with (hopefully) understanding feedback. The SC thread is for other posters to give kind and/or helpful advice, words of empathy, or a secret of their own (under the SC name or not).

This account is a group account, and EVERYONE needs to treat it respectfully. By posting under the Secret Confessor, you are pledging to refrain from hate mail, "finger-pointing", insulting and being a jerkface. By posting in the SC thread, you are pledging to keep the comments respectful. This has not yet been a problem, but it's nice to have written down "just in case".

If you would like to use the SC account for ANY reason beside posting in this thread, please PM me- even if it's under the SC name (this is not to exert authority, but to maintain order over a very accessible account).

Thank you!


email/login:
[e-mail]
Password: secret

[Nighthawk]

If he ever makes me cry myself to sleep again, I'm going to kill him.

I do not want him to go into the army.

[Omega]

Re: Grandfather.
So, the doctors and nurses came in today and said, he's only got a few days, and it might be the weekend. He's perked up a lot this evening, and two of my cousins came and had a visit, and it's kinda okay and he might be longer. But I spent a good chunk of the afternoon crying at the drop of a hat, and I'm crying now, because fucking hell this sucks arse. 

He wants to die. And this morning he'd given up. And he's sick, and the infection's back, and he's got no platelets so he bleeds from anything. He can't get out of bed without help. I hate seeing it, and I know he doesn't want me seeing it, so I'm just trying to stay out of the way sometimes. I feel so useless.

We're going to get my grandmother up tomorrow. She's end-stage alzheimers, and she won't know anything. She won't know that he's going to die in a couple of days. I don't know if that's a good thing. 

My brother doesn't know much except that grandad is sick and I should phone him because I don't  think mum has, and dad doesn't know either because I haven't managed to call him.

And dammit I'm still crying.

fuck this shit.

[Contradiction]

So my dad was literally scratching his dick with his hand down his pants.

Like it was a completely normal thing to do.

Then, without washing his hands, he reached into the communal ice tray with the same hand to make ice water for my mother.

Now he's putting away clean dishes.

He's come inside from doing work in the garage and eaten with his hands without washing them.

I'm fairly certain he doesn't wash his hands after going to the bathroom.

My immune system is fucking heroic.

[EndOfTheEarth]

Sounds like you clipped that from a postmodern short story...apparently weird stuff like that goes on all the time, but we rarely notice it.

And, of course, you're talking about a guy. Hygiene varies from male to male. 

[Fate]

I love my friends. And I know they like to tease me and I generally don't mind. I know I'm a crushslut (I tend to have lots of short lived crushes), but I am genuinely terrified that I might become an actual slut. So when they say things like "I'll make sure Fate doesn't go home with some guy," (while discussing the celebration of all of us being 21) and "Fate is slutty", it bothers me.

 

I am honestly scared beyond all reasonable logic that if I try long distance with my boyfriend, I might cheat.

I can accept being a 'crushslut'. It's not like it's harmful or anything. But I do not want to be an actual slut and all of my friends seem to think I will be. =/

[Nighthawk]

Feel free to ignore this post; it's all about my personal insane relationship ramblings.

I am a terrible person.

I mean, I know "the first cut is the deepest" and shit, but holy hell. Why can't I get the fuck over it already?
.
My first boyfriend recently broke up with his girlfriend for a year or two. I'm still with (and as in love with as I think I'll ever be) my boyfriend for two years, but now I can't stop thinking about number one. I even had an effing dream about him last week.

It's been four effing years and we never even did anything. What the fuck, brain? I've told nobody and I hate myself at the moment, but I'm scared I'm going to have to break up with Cody soon anyway. Shit, I think too much...

Sorry, I know you guys don't want to hear about my personal issues... I just had to write it out somewhere. :/

[EndOfTheEarth]

Nah, don't worry, happens to everyone. In fact, there was a statistical study done that suggests that if you're being intimate in a dream, it likely isn't with your current partner.

[Secret Confessor]

[Fate]

Lately, I feel like everything is falling apart.

My heart seems to be breaking in new and more painful ways all the time.

People suck.

[Contradiction]

Last year, at the end of August, I posted about how much I had changed from when I first joined the internet.

I'm going to repeat the exercise with the data from last year as my comparison.

August 2011:

It's the beginning of junior year. I've grown out of both my liking and hating phases of Twilight, so that I'm now only mildly annoyed by Twilight fangirls and have a general attitude of apathy towards the series. The only writing on my shirts now has to do with my beliefs and my music tastes (and even those are fairly few and far between. I'm currently a self-policing-only Grammar Nazi, and I know how to use a semicolon. My two favorite authors (whom I hadn't heard of two years ago) are, without a doubt, Jim Butcher and Neil Gaiman. I still haven't had a boyfriend, but I don't really care and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had one. My dream jobs include mainly humanitarian efforts internationally, international relations with the United States, and theatre/film production; my dream living area is somewhere in a large city in the US, or somewhere in a remote community internationally. My dream school has become the University of Chicago because it's not close to home, cool people like Kurt Vonnegut went there, and it's generally an awesome place that seems to fit me really well. My music taste is rather non-classifiable in terms of genre, but it's mostly country and the songs that come up on Regina Spektor Pandora. Now, I've just gotten into Dr. Who, but I also watch Eureka, Glee, and The Daily Show. I read the newspaper, watch FOX and msnbc alternately, and get most of the rest of my political and current events information through The Young Turks. I'm still pretty ideological in my politics, but I've defined more concretely my positions (which are still solidly left), and I care more about the truth than the angry rantings of my father. I still don't play any sports, but theatre is my third home and my life after school. I've made real friends, through the internet, classes, and theatre, and I'm pretty fucking contented.

October 2012: (a list this time because if it's not a list it will be a text wall of incoherent ramblings I guarantee you)

Oh my god it's senior year.

Twilight: I really don't give a fuck about Twilight anymore but I do read this fabulous blog about 50 Shades of Grey (half-related) which I highly recommend for a laugh if you don't mind semi-explicit quoting of sex scenes.

Clothing: I have gotten quite a few t-shirts lately (Book of Mormon from the show! Jason Mraz from a concert! UChicago from the UChicago bookstore on campus!) and I love them to pieces and I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about my obsession with wearing them because they're fabulous.

Grammar: I use proper grammar when I want and don't if I'm lazy or I'm making a point or if I'm on Tumblr.

Books!: My favorite authors are Neil Gaiman (obviously) and John Green, which I admit is more a result of me having a burning desire to grow up to be exactly like him than a particular fondness for his books (which I do love but that's not the point). I don't read as much as I'd like because I'm so busy all the fucking time.

Boyfrans: Aaaand I still don't have a boyfriend and I still don't give a fuck.

Aspirations: My dream job is something in politics or something where I get to travel a lot or something where I live in a big city or something where I work with underprivileged kids or a combination of any of the above but I really have no idea. My dream school is still UChicago, because it in every way represents the type of college experience I want to have (small classes, big city, the Core, the House system, like I can give you an actual fucking list of this shit). I'm also considering Northeastern (co-ops!), Macalester (focus on globalism and multiculturalism!), and American (in DC!).

Music: I listen to the Book of Mormon soundtrack a bit too much and I've recently become obsessed with Coldplay's song "The Scientist" and I went to the Jason Mraz concert at Red Rocks omfg, but I feel like I no longer have time to listen to music, what with school and homework and theatre so I really haven't been doing that much at all. 

Television: I can't fucking stand Glee anymore because it's godawful. I watch Doctor Who when it's on, I'll watch Sherlock when it comes back, and I have developed a fondness for Elementary. I fucking love Firefly and Arrested Development even though they're no longer with us (AD is coming back wooo). If I had time I'd watch the rest of Merlin and Downtown Abbey and Supernatural and all those typical tumblr fangirl shows.

News: I still watch and love Jon Stewart and I read the New York Times' Sunday Review religiously, but I don't really have time to read the regular newspaper or watch other political news anymore so I get a majority of my info from op-eds and osmosis and tumblr.

Politics: My AP US History class and some discussions I've had recently have pushed me more center than I've ever been, and while I'm still definitively left on most social issues I am really curious to learn more about the economy, but foreign policy especially.

My life: I still do theatre (stage manager, aww yeah) and I love it but it's currently stressing me out a bit because it's piled on top of my homework and with my current responsibilities there's really no escaping it. I spent six weeks at camp this summer which basically guaranteed me employment next summer (yay!) and really changed my perspectives on children and the effects of camp and a lot of sentimental stuff but yeah. I'm currently spending a ridiculous amount of time on homework (whoever said that junior year was the worst is a lying piece of shit) but I love my AP US class to bits so I don't mind it for that. There are 11 people in my class and my teacher is brilliant and crazy and we spend class talking about Eve being seen as a ho until about the American Revolution. I've learned so much already and it's only been eight weeks.

My state of mind: I'm stressed and I'm fucking sick of writing essays. I want the college application process to be over. Ugh. I do have friends and stuff, so that's good. I don't have a whole lot of internet friends anymore (like there's you guys but you must admit we have kind of a touch-and-go relationship because of the nature of the site and everyone's time constraints) which kind of makes me sad but I guess it's kind of a natural progression.

It's kind of funny to read the thing I posted last August because I sound to myself now really obnoxiously self-important. Then again, I'll look back on this post and laugh about how stupid I was way back then. I guess it's just the nature of documenting one's process of growing up, and I'm glad I looked back at old posts so I could do this.

My grammar is somewhat atrocious now dear lord am I lazy.

Yep.

Thanks for reading (if you managed, or even if you just tried).

[Secret Confessor]

I was fine and then things fell apart tonight. I don't know what happened really. All I wanna do though is cry and just have someone understand and just talk to me. But I feel ignored by the people I care for. I just want to find someone who gets me and wants to talk to me. Instead, I just get ignored because everyone's busy. I don't want to do anything anymore. It's just so tiring having everything just fall into the same pattern and feel like I'm always on the edge of falling apart. I guess I'm not as stable as I want people to think. I'm stuck in a circle and I just keep tearing myself apart until there's nothing left and somebody has to save me. When will I learn from this? 

[Fate]

You can always talk to us.
I totally get what you're saying, completely and utterly, and if you want to talk to me, you're more than welcome to. If you have my number, feel free to text. If not, messaging works too. Whatever way you can get a hold of me, go for it.