New Moon in a nutshell part 1/?

[Fake]

((Ciao. Fake Crowley here.
Anyways, this is the sequel to the hit (I.E, one or two people read it and laughed once, maybe twice) parody, “Twilight in a Nutshell.” Copyright Team Omen. If you want to post it somewhere-say, MDW-feel free. In fact, I’d encourage it, so long as you name Team Omen as the creators (I, Fake Fang/Crowley, and my buddy Azirafail.) Azirafail, also known as Steve, is the main creator of this parody, with me contributing. This was originally scheduled to be released on the same day as the New Moon movie, but we experienced some setbacks-primarily, laziness. And now, a word from out author.))

((And this is Azirafail. I’d like to thank Crowley for helping me write this-writing a few jokes in, and parodying one or two songs-as well as everybody else who supported this, and inspired us. I don’t own the rights to Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, Midnight Sun, Edward, Bella, Jacob, all the other characters and things mentioned in this parody, all things referenced in this parody, or Freddie Mercury. In fact, I probably don’t own any of my jokes-I have no doubt they’ve all been used at some point in history. For that matter, there is no, “I,” to do the owning-“I” am just a lump of chemicals and electricity that reacts in ways that could be considered life, from a four dimensional perspective. Thank you, and enjoy the show.

Oh, and one last thing-I have a warning. This parody includes copious amounts of ripped topless male model werewolves. Due to this fact, please see a doctor before viewing this parody if you have medical problems, such as a heart condition. This also applies to those who do not have medical problems.

Enjoy.))

The Twilight Parody of Ultimate Doom, Part 2:

Narrator: Well, it’s finally here. The sequel to the hit comedy, “Twilight in a Nutshell.” I bring you, N-

Bella: If a tree falls on you in a forest, and breaks all your ribs, and there’s no one around to see it, does anybody laugh?

Narrator: ...

Bella: What?

Narrator: ...Ahem. Ladies and Gentlemen, Fans and Antifans, I give, “Newb Moon!!!”

Bella:..

Narrator: -sigh- What now?

Bella: It lacks...well, quite frankly, you need a title sequence.

Narrator: I need...what?

Bella: You know. A title sequence. Some music, some animation, and credits.

Narrator: But...this is text.

Bella: Is that my problem?

Narrator: Yes?
Bella: Look, you’ve completely ruined the mood. How can you go from saying the title to the story with
not transition?
Narrator: You’re right. Attention! Edward! Jacob! Bella!

Bella, Edward, and Jacob: Yes, your loserness!

Narrator: I want you...to parody the New Harry Potter movie!

*lights go out*

Harry: I’m inexplicably starting to like girls!

Ron: Me too!

Hermione: I’m starting to like guys!

Ron: Me too!

Ginny: Honestly, did it actually take this long to notice the opposite gender? Seriously, I’ve had a crush on Harry since I was eleven! I’ve been to the Astronomy To-

Harry: *cuts in* We don’t need to know that.

Dumbledore: I’ve started to like girls too!

*Awkward silence*

Harry: Wait, what?

Narrator: A bit later.

Draco: Hahahaha! How will the audience ever put together the fact that there is a connection between the two vanishing cabinets! Only a genius could put together A, the fact that vanishing cabinets allow you to move from one place to another, B, there are two vanishing cabinets, and C, I’ve been testing this the entire movie! What a spoiler!

Fan: Look, Narry, it isn’t supposed to be a spoiler. Everyone’s seen it before.

Narrator: Shut up.

Narrator: A bit later.

Dumbledore: Harry, I must drink the potion! I must drink it!

Harry: No! It’s too dangerous! I’ll drink it instead!

Dumbledore: Look, you’re the main character.

Harry: Meaning I can’t die!

Dumbledore: ...You’ve never read any good literature, have you?

Narrator: Meanwhile, thousands of miles away.

Voldemort: Hmmm...

Snape: What is it?
Voldy: Well, I was just thinking. I hid a valuable object in a cauldron filled with poison with a shell next to it, and I just realized that some people might confuse what they have to do.

Snape: And what would that be?

Voldy-Moldy: Well, obviously the smart thing to do would be to pour it out, but some dumb F*dge might try to drink it.

Snape: Oh, come on. Nobody would be that daft. It should be obvious to anyone that you’re supposed to pour it out.

Moldy-Vort: Yeah, I guess you’re right, Snap.

Snape: It’s Snape.

Narrator: A bit later.

Draco: I bet you want to know how I got all these death eaters in here!

Dumbledore: Not really.

Draco: Aw, take a guess.

Dumbledore: You used flu powder to come in through the fire place?

*awkward silence*

Draco: Wait, that would work?

Dumbledor: Well, p’shyeah. Or you could have apparated.

Draco: But...you can’t apparate into the school!

Dumbledore: Says who?

Draco: You!

Dumbledore: I lied.

Draco: Look, it’s impossible. Otherwise, everybody would be doing it!

Dumbledore:...Have you ever tried?

Draco: Why would I waste my time trying when I know that it’s not going to work!

Dumbledore: Heh...exactly.

Deatheaters: We’re here to kick ass!

Dumbledore: And...?

Deatheaters: And nothing. We’re only here to kill you! Also, we’re going to set fire to Hagrids hut.

Dumbledore: Wait, what? That’s all you’re doing? You’ve got that many of you and all you’re going to do is kill me? Honestly, Snape could have done that without your help! Honestly, you lot are all morons!

Snape: Hey Harry.

Harry: ‘Sup professor.

Deatheaters: Go on, Draco! Shoot him! Shoot him!

Draco: Um...

Dumbledore: Fools! I have something stronger than all of you combined! I have...bible thumpers!

Deatheaters: Oh noes! If he summons them, we’re done for!

Dumbledore: This series is satanic!

Very observant audience members who copy pasted this into a word document: Bloody hell, was that intentional? Cor blimey! That was cool!

Other audience members: What?

Harry: Nothing, nothing at all.

Bible Thumpers: We’re here to exorcise demons and exercise ourselves! And we just finished our workout!

Dumbledore: See those guys? They call themselves death-eaters, they dress all in black, wear creepy masks, and practice witch-craft.

Bible Thumpers: Gasp! You shall die!

Death Eaters: He’s gay!

Bible Thumpers: What?

Death Eaters: Um... he’s gay?

Bible Thumpers: And we care why?

Death Eaters: The bible speaks out against homosexuality!

Bible Thumpers: Ah, that’s a frequent misapprehension. Well, the Five Books of Moses do, but we only follow that when the regulations can be applied to contemporary times. For example, it says to not consume Decapoda Pleocyemeta and other crustaceans. We consider this regulation to be obsolete, and possibly only there because people back then didn’t know how to prepare crustacean properly. However, some of the rules concern modern times; for example, “Do not murder,” and most of the other Ten Commandments. Of course, they’re open to elucidation. Of course, the New Testament spoke out against the sodomists, who yes, practiced homosexuality, but they also practiced murder, rape, and pedophilia. So while the Bible does speak out against homosexuality, we ignore those verses.

*silence*

Snape: *sigh* Hi guys.

Dumbledore: Hey sna-

Snape: Killus maximus.

Dumbledore: Oh no. I am dead.

Harry: Nooooooooooooo!

*lights go out*

Bella: Congrats, you just bored the fans to death. Can we get on with it?

Narrator: Our story begins with our heroes in english class, with her beloved Edward.

Bella: I lust for you!

Edward: Kindly be quiet and pay your respects to the instructor.

Bella: Yes, my love. Oh, Edward, I’d be nothing without-

Edward: Shut up.

Bella: Kay.

Professor Fred: And that is why Shakespeare is quite possibly the most overrated and quite frankly the worst of all play writes in the history of playwriting. Any questions?

Edward: Yes, would you kindly recur that?

Professor Fred: What part?

Edward: All of it.

Professor Fred: ...

Edward: The one who should be impugned for my lack of paying attention is Beautiful Goose over here.

Bella: It’s swan.

Edward: Whatever.

Narrator: Later, at lunch-

Bella: So, do you know what tomorrow is?

Edward: Tuesday.

Bella: No, more important than that.

Edward: Uh...Wednesday?

Bella: No...

Edward: Wait, it’s groundhogs day, isn’t it?

Bella: ...More important.

Edward: Halloween?

Narrator: You’re getting warmer.

Bella: Shut up. No, Edward.

Edward: Valentines day?

Bella: No!

Edward: Our anniversary?

Bella: Edward, we’ve been dating for a week.

Edward: A week and a half.

Bella: Just...keep guessing.

Edward: Something...religious?

Bella: No.

Edward: ...Tuesday?

Bella: GOD FREAKING D@rnit, it’s my birthday!

Edward: ...You said it was more imperative than Tuesday.

Bella: ...

Edward: Are you sure it isn’t Tuesday?

Narrator: Later, at Bella’s house, she’s watching Romeo and Juliet. Preparing for her party.

Charlie: HEY BELLA, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?

Bella: You aren’t invited to my party, slave.

Charlie: ... *starts crying*

Bella: What’s his problem?

Narrator: Well, the cat’s in the cradle with the silver spoon.

Bella: Are you drunk?

Narrator: Not yet.

Bella: Will you be drunk?

Narrator: Depends. Am I invited to your party?

Bella: ...Sure, you give us some comic relief.

Narrator: In that case, yes. I will be.

Bella : -sigh-

Narrator: So, what’re you watching?

Bella: You know full well.

Narrator: Humour me.

Bella: All right, so Plato and a platypus walk into a bar...

Edward: *punches Bella to the floor*

Bella: *in pain* Edward! I missed you! *tries to hug him*

Edward: Please climb on me no more, thou mammering full gorged vassal, thou rank knotty pated strumpet, thou craven dismal-dreaming pignut!

Bella: Whatever makes you happy! *let’s go*

Edward: I'll pray a thousand prayers for thy death.

Bella: He’s praying for me!

Narrator: So...Romeo and Juliet, huh? Can’t say I ever heard of it. Is it good?

Bella: Uh-huh. It was written by this guy called William Shakespeare.

Narrator: Who?

Bella: The most amazing author in the world. He wrote a bunch of plays and stuff. Not very well known, as he was in the same time as Jonson, but his few fans are very loyal.

Narrator: Ah, yes, Jonson. Most famous English play write ever. I hate his work, personally.

Bella: *shrugs* Anyway, it’s about two people from different families, the Ignisimpetus and the pravuspiscis.

Observant audience members: *snigger*

Bella: Anyways, the two families antagonize eachother, and the two fall in love at first sight. Then the girl-Romeo-tries to get out of an arranged marriage with some responsible guy by pretending to kill herself. But she doesn’t actually! Then her lover from the other family-Juliet-sees her and commits suicide. Then Romeo wakes up, sees her dead lover, and kills herself.

Narrator: So...basically, Meyers ripped off Shakespeare?

Edward: Correct.

Narrator: I see. And Romeo never considered telling Juliet what she was going to do, which would have saved both their lives?

Edward: Apparently not.

Professor Fred: *breaks in, grabs Bella’s copy of Romeo and Juliet and eats it, and takes the tape from her T.V and stomps on it.*

Edward: ...?

Professor Fred: I don’t like Shakespeare. *leaves*

Edward: *glares at Narrator* How droll, thou leathern-jerkin, crystal-button, knot-pated, agatering, puke-stocking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish pouch.

Bella: Was that supposed to be funny?

Narrator: Depends. Was it?

Bella: No.

Narrator: Then no. Well, now that we don’t have that lovely play on, why don’t we watch something that doesn’t annoy your teachers to the point of breaking and entering? *turns on T.V* Ooh, the news is on.

News reporter: In other news, a ton of bodies completely drained of blood have been discovered once again. Who is it that’s killing all these people?

Bella: It must be foreshadowing! The evil vampires are still around!

Edward: ...Sure. Yeah, that’s it.

News reporter: Now, moving on to more important news, Octomom has just implanted herself with eighteen and a half new babies, making her Octodecahemimom! So let’s send her some more money for being a complete and utter idiot! Stupidity does pay!

Alice: Hey, are you going to advance the plot yet?

Jasper: Seriously, you’ve typed over a thousand words and eight pages before the plot has even started to take off.

Narrator: Fine. *waves hand.*

*poof*

Narrator: *At the Cullen’s now.* Here we are.

Edward, Jasper, Bella, Alice: Born, to the king! We’re the princes of the universe.

Bella: Here we belong!

Rest: Fighting to survive against the darke-

Narrator: Do you want to be cut from the movies?

Bella: No sir.

Narrator: Good girl. Now, shall we proceed with the party?

Cuddles: Sure. I’ve got everything ready!

Bella: Wait, I don’t want a par-

Cuddles: Your opinion doesn’t matter. So, come inside.

Narrator: The inside is decorated with a bunch of party, with most of the Cullens that nobody cares about there. In the corner is a cake, and glass plates. To the side is a bunch of gifts. A piano stands in the center.

Bella: *rolls eyes* I check for traps.

Narrator: Oh, shut up.

Bella: I’m just saying that you don’t describe things well.

Narrator: Whatever.

Bella: I poke you with my ten foot pole.

Edward: *glare*

Bella: Meep!

Edward: May we proceed?

Narrator: Yeah, sure. Let’s start with the presents.

Bella: Look, I don’t want a party.

Esme: Yeah, sure. Everybody pack up, this was a stupid idea. We’re not having a pa-

Bella: Well, if you insist. *Tears up presents like a rabid dog*

Jasper: Wow. That’s pathetic.

Edward: *glares at Jasper* Anger!

Bella: Let’s see...this one is...a golden plated CD.

Emmet: That’s from me! It has one thousand songs!

Bella: Haven’t you heard of ipods? *tosses it away*

Emmet: *cries and runs out of the room*

Bella: A...coupon for grief counseling?

Esme: From me, dear. Alice helped me pick it out.

Bella: Uh-huh. Um, a boom box from my car? Really?

Emmet: *comes back* You don’t like it? *Cries*

Bella: ...A dog collar.

Alice: You’ll need it. *Knowing grin*

Edward: Here, please accept my bequest.

Bella: Sweet! *Takes it and rips it open* Ooh, a pack of gum! Thank you Eddie!

Edward: I thought I told you not to-

Jasper: Here’s mine. *Holds hands up*

Bella: Er...you aren’t holding anything.

Jasper: I know. I figure you can’t hurt yourself with this.

Bella: *cuts self on the nothing, as well as destroying the continent of Australia and a good chunk of the moon*

Jasper: Hmm? Oh, you cut yourself. How unexpected. Klutz. *sigh* Need a band-aid?

Bella: Shouldn’t you be going berserk?

Jasper: No, why should I? That would give me some significance to the plot, and Meyers can’t let that happen, can she?

Bella: Then wait...why does-

Edward: *coldly* How dare you!

Bella: What?

Edward: *points to bloodstain on the carpet* How dare you! This rug was given to me by my mother!

Bella: I’m...sorry?

Edward: Never get blood on my carpet again! *hits Bella, she goes flying into the aforementioned plates*

Bella: Ow!

Narrator: *munches on popcorn*

The Cullen Family: ...

Bella: Ow... I’m sorry, Edward! Please forgive me!

Narrator: *stage whisper* Quick, Jasper. Meyers isn’t looking. You can do something for once!

Edward: I refuse.

Jasper: Yes! Oh, hell yes! *fist pumps*

Bella: I promise, I’ll never do it again!

Jasper: Ok, here goes...

Edward: You’re getting blood on my carpet right now.

Jasper: Rawr! *leaps at Bella, attempts to eat her*

Edward: *absentmindedly kicks Bella into a wall, out of Jaspers way.* No, Jasper. No eating the girlfriend. I called di-Bella, what did I tell you about bleeding?

Bella: Ow!

Jasper: *leaps at Bella again*

Edward: *throes Bella at the glass again* I said stop, Jasper!

Bella: *weakly* It’s ok, I’m alright. Just a scratch...

Narrator: This goes on for several hours, until Edward and Jasper make up and go out for a drink at the local teen bar. I’ll leave you to imagine what happens there.

Bella: *regains consciousness* Where am I?

Cuddles: Yo. You’re at our house. Remember?

Bella: Where’s Edward...

Cuddles: He and Jasper went off to blow off some steam. Shall I explain our backstories?

Bella: I think I’m dying.

Cuddles: Well...

*flashback*

Cuddles, now the narrator: I, personally, used to be a just your average ordinary human. I was the son of a priest named Dante, who, “exorcized” vampires and demons.

Bella: You mean he strapped them to beds and said prayers?

Cuddles: Hell no. He did it the fun way.

Bella: ...

Cuddles: Shall I tell you a bit more?

Bella: Sure, but-

Cuddles: Good, cause Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down and I’d like to take a minute just sit there a while, I'll tell you how I became the vamp known as Carli-Carsli-Cuddles.


In seventeenth century London, born and raised. In the church room, was where I spent most of my days. Chilling all cool, raiding vampire hives; torturing John Proctor and burning him alive, when a couple of sewer vamps were up to no good. Started making trouble in my neighbourhood. So I got one damned bite and I became a whiny crier, I said, “No mist? Stroker was a freaking liar!”


I was surprised to hear a noise, and when it came near, I was shocked to find that the noise had come from a deer! If anything, I wondered if the blood would satisfy my thirst, but I said, “Ah, forget it,” and proceeded to slurp.


A few minutes passed, maybe eleven or nine, and I thought to myself, “Hey! I don’t have to eat mankind!” I walked home, getting back a bit late, and when my Dad offered me dinner, I told him I’d already ate!”

...Anyways, this didn’t really affect my life that much, as I have always been mind bogglingly sexy, and my father never payed enough attention to me to notice. Anyways, I love the smell of blood so much that I became a doctor!

Bella : ...

Cuddles: Yeah, well, anyways, I eventually joined up with a vampire rock band. We had some trouble deciding our name, until suddenly, it came to me in a dream: A walrus with an electric guitar on a boat on the river. And he told me, “You shall be known as the Volturi, with an I.” So, we did, and became super famous! However, I soon met a woman named Esme-my wife-and the band...disbanded. Anyways, one day I came across a dying soldier in the Trojan War named, “Marie Janette “Edward,” Suesdaughter. We did everything we could to help hi-

Bella: What was he dying of?

Cuddles: Papercut. Apparently. Anyways, we did everything we could, but he was dying quickly. So I made the decision.

Cuddles *In flashback*: Marie Suesdaughter, soldier. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the Deus ex Machina. We have the capability to make the world’s first British vampire. Edward Cullen will be that vampire. Better than he was before. Better. Stronger. Faster. Camper.

Cuddles *present day*: Anyways, I turned him. As you can imagine, he didn’t like that...So he left me and went on a killing spree-his murders ended up getting him the lable of, “Jack the Ripper.” Eventually, he came back, and we had cake. By that time, I had already gotten married to Esme, and had started a nice little life in suburbs of Romania.

Bella: Cuddles, your time line makes no sen-

Cuddles: So, he came back-partly because he was bored-and we hung out for a little while. At some point we realized that he had never had a, well, shall we say, an, “Intimate relationship,” so we attempted to get him a bit more experienced. Whenever we brought human girls over, he’d just kill them-old habits die hard, I guess-so we decided to try it with vampires. First we got Rosalie, thinking maybe he could fall in love with her. This failed, as she isn’t that important, so we decided to try again with Emmet.

Bella: ...What?

Cuddles: He didn’t fall for Emmet either. Also, he could kind of read our minds, so it didn’t...anyways, we were quite relieved when you came along. Finally, he would have someone he would stay with forever!

Edward: I’m Baaaaaaack! And I brought irony!

Cuddles: Well, that’s the last anyone will see of me for a while. Goodbye...

Edward: We’re leaving, Bella.

Bella: Ok!

Narrator: So, Edward and Bella head to Bella’s house!

Bella: I’m home!

Charlie: BELLA, WHY ARE YOU COVERED WITH BRUISES, CUT MARKS, AND BANDAGES‽‽‽

Bella: Oh...I tripped.

Charlie:...

Edward: Oh damn, he’s never going to believe that...I have to kill him, I have no choice!

Narrator: *lazily reading a paper, doesn’t look up* You haven’t known Bella for very long, have you?

Charlie: WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT LUCKY THIS TIME!!! ANY BROKEN BONES‽‽‽

Bella: Not this time, daddy.

Edward: ...I hate my life.

Narrator: So, Bella goes to bed, and Edward continues to creepily watch her.

Bella: *after ten minutes* Edward, I can’t sleep with you just Sitting there.

Edward: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Narrator: A few hours later, he leaves. The next day, at school...

Bella: Lalalalala. I feel pretty. And witty. And bruised.

Nameless Girl #1: LYK, BELA, WAT HAPENED!!!

Bella: I tripped. Right, Edward?

Edward: Emo.

Nameless Girl #2: U NEAD 2 STOP DOOING THAT, BELA.

Bella: -sigh-I know. Hey, Edwar-

Edward: Emo!

Bella: Allright, geze...

Alice: *walks up to Bella* Well, it was nice being your BFF for the past week. Have fun cutting yourself!

Bella: ...Freak.

Emmet: *walks up to her* B-b-bye, b-b-b-b-b-bella. *stutters some more, breaks down crying, and is lead away by Rosalie*

Rosalie: Growl, snarl.

Bella: ...!

Rosalie: *Damien smirk*

Bella: ...In the name of all that is cliché, what the devil is going on?

Edward: Look...Bella...can we talk?

Bella: Sure!

Edward: *throws her over his back, runs at mach 5, and they arrive at the d-er, the meadow.*

Bella: So, what’s on you mind, snuggle bumpkins kun?

Edward:...Bella, I’m breaking up with you. Leaving for ever.

Fangirls: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO!!! How tragic and sad!!! Eleventy!!!

Bella: *flatlines*

Narrator: Let’s see, tomato...eggs...celery...fattening soda...fattening chips...Hey, guys, I’m going to the grocery store. Want anything?

Edward: Some poptarts, thanks.

Bella: I! But you? What are you saying? Gah! No! You can’t! What? How? Who? WHYYYYYYY! Oh, and make sure you pick up some microwave popcorn, please.

Edward: Because you’re a nuisance. All you ever do is pester me, ask me to do things that are really quite creepy, given the fact that you were a minor yesterday and I’m old enough to be your great grandfather’s great grandfather, and because I’m cheating on you. Do they have fresh fruit?

Narrator: Yes.

Edward: Some pineapple as well, then.

Narrator: Right.

Bella: But...But...

Edward: So, yeah. This is actually my fault for getting involved with you, but blame yourself anyways. Have a nice life. *Runs off, this time at a light jog*

Bella: ...Edward?

Edward: Wooh! You can’t see me, because I’m going too fast for you! *runs around Bella a bit* Haha, she doesn’t even know I’m here.

Bella: ...

Edward: *leaves, still at a light jog*

Narrator: So...how’d it go?

Bella: *breaks out crying*

Narrator: I’m apathetic to your suffering, so don’t bother. Anyways, I have your pineapple and poptarts, Edward.

Edward: *comes back, grabs them, and runs of maniacally*

Bella: Um...*sniffle* Where exactly am I?

Narrator: The field.

Bella: And where’s the field?

Narrator: Canada. Have a good time getting back. *Damien smirk*

Bella: You’re in the same situation I’m i-

Narrator: I’m the narrator, remember? *poofs*

Bella: ... ***** YOU ****ING ********* ******** **** AND *****’S OF ***** FREAKING ************** INTO A ****** EMO ***** EDWARD ****ING CULLEN ***** COLD ******BUCKET **** GRIM REAPER ****** FISHING FOR BICYCLES LIKE YOU ****A ***** WITHOUT A ******ER ON *****, YOU ****************************************** STEVE ****** DICTATOR *****KNIFE A TREE IN THE BACK ****** LISTENING TO THE BEATLES ****** NINE NINE NINE ******* CANDY!!!

Narrator: Part one, complete.

[Jessie~the~Singer]

Oh. My. Gosh.

I was laughing the whole time. Where is the other part?