Welcome to the Secret Confessions thread. Beyond the pure anonymity of the internet, there lies a certain level of understanding behind all the accounts here on FF. The SC account carries burden of allowing the user to give a candid, private confession with (hopefully) understanding feedback. The SC thread is for other posters to give kind and/or helpful advice, words of empathy, or a secret of their own (under the SC name or not).
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My mom scared me really bad today. I don't know if she was trying to scare me or really meant what she said.
I tore a couple of holes in my favorite jacket because I get anxious really easily and the first thing I turned to that day was my jacket. My mom got really mad at me and started to yell at me. It wasn't that bad until she said that if I ever did it again she'd smack me. She sounded serious, but I don't even know anymore... Her neck is all screwed up because she has a bone spur that messes with her nerves. It was really bad when I was younger, and now she's been having crazy mood swings a lot lately because of it. I'm starting wonder if she's suicidal too... It's getting me really worried, which is probably what made me pick holes in my jacket in the first place. What if she does hit me? What am I going to do? I just want her neck to get fixed and for things to go back to normal again.
Some parents believe in that kind of discipline. But, if yours did.... this probably wouldn't be a new concept to you, huh?
If she hits you... instinct will tell you what to do when it happens. Not saying that you won't have some control, but you could very well surprise yourself. The first time me mom hit me, I started crying and apologized incessantly (I was, like, 4). A few years later, she hit me, and I hit her back. In 99.9% of situations, I don't recommend the latter. It wasn't even a good choice for me, but... it could've been much worse.
Having a parent with mood swings, be it because of a bone spur like that, bipolar disorder, or something controllable like drugs and alcohol, is tough and I really just want to hug you right now. You're probably confused, and sometimes you love your mom, but sometimes you just feel like you hate her. If you're really afraid she's suicidal, talk to somebody other than her (or your father). An older sibling, an aunt, a grandparent.... someone like that. Not that your friends can't help, but these people would be better suited to it.
Good luck, hon, and we're here for you if you ever need anything. Remember that.