Protect the flock! From JP and Hachette!
What are you doing right now?
Besides posting on here and replying to this thread. Original credit for this goes back to Fate and Nathan on MX.
Views: 29480
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Megan (Fishy) on
-
*knows you would*
-
-
Goodnight.
*was gone for awhile* *reads back*
-
Permalink Reply by nathan_p on
-
Aaaaand CRACKFIC WITH KYLE OMGZ
Also btw Raven is a huge badass Aleutian dude from Snow Crash.
----
Kyle loved his job. He loved his job. He was living every geek’s dream, for fuck’s sake... well, all right, he had to concede. Not every geek’s dream... just every Metal Gear fanboy geek’s dream.
Well. That wasn’t even counting the fanboys that had to exist for Itex as a whole -- no one really acknowledges them normally, but come on: company fanboys exist too, they’re just less out-there than the kind of fanboy who buy creepy pillows shaped like catgirls. Jeb definitely had fanboys -- Doctor ter Borcht, maybe not so much.
But Jeb was cute (for a given value of cute), young (again, for a given value of young), and he’d achieved a lot of things that sane people had deemed impossible.
Which made him, for obvious reasons, very attractive to fanboys who liked to believe they weren’t fanboys -- all his qualities were the kind that that sort of guy likes, but he was actually, y’know, real, so they wouldn’t have to feel all guilty about fanboying someone who didn’t exist. Although it was kind of creepy to fanboy someone who did exist, and could thus actually find out about your creepy fanboyism.
Or fangirlism. Either way, really.
Anyway. Kyle loved his job. Who wouldn’t, really? It was a geek’s dream, and no, I can’t mention that enough.
There are awesome jobs, and then there’s Kyle’s job, and Kyle’s job is so much more awesome than any other job to ever exist ever that all other jobs should just give up on trying to be hardcore, because Kyle’s job had them all beat handily. Except for maybe whatever it is Chuck Norris does, because of course that is truly the most hardcore job in the world, owing that the man is surrounded by so many stupid memes. He must have stupid shielding a mile thick.
But anyway.
Working at the School qualified you for Bad Motherfucker status anyway, given that the odds were that you worked around something that, if it escaped, probably wouldn’t kill most of humanity, operative word being probably. Even if you were a lame secretary or a programmer, like Kyle. Who was a programmer, not a secretary, or at least that’s what he told everyone he had occasion to mention it to, which really wasn’t all that many people considering he didn’t talk a lot in the first place.
So basically his job was awesome.
I already told you that, though, so let’s try and cover some new material before our shoes wear a rut in the floor. That’s hard to repair and kind of expensive, too.
So Kyle’s job was basically to be one of the baddest motherfuckers in the world just on the basis of where he worked. Which was pretty chill, because you couldn’t say that about a whole lot of people, that they were badass just because of where they worked. Usually you have to put effort into being a bad motherfucker, but not Kyle. Not Kyle.
I mean, if Raven existed in this world -- which he didn’t because although that would be cool he just doesn’t, okay -- he would have to be content with being the second baddest motherfucker in the world. Because in first place would be everyone ever who worked at the School, and yes, that includes the janitors, because it takes balls of steel to clean up at that place, do you even know what kind of shit goes down there.
No. No you don’t. It’s like Vietnam, you don’t know because you weren’t there, and man, you cannot even imagine.
(By the way, though. According to a certain facility related to the School which was not located in Buttfuck, The Goddamned Desert, California... Eraser snowball fights are a thing of legend. Truly. I couldn’t make that up, could I? Why would I? Just god forbid you get in the way, they wouldn’t even find a body.)
So. Bad motherfuckerdom. I mean seriously... like, I already said that if Raven existed he’d have to be content with second-baddest motherfucker status.
Even if, like, the Pain existed, he’d have to wait his turn to be a bad motherfucker, because that’s just how hardcore every single bitch at the School is.
And this is compared to a man who spent his life covered in bees, mind you.
Yeah. A guy whose life was basically OH GOD BEES EVERYWHERE OH MY GOD THE BEES... compared to each and every motherfucker at the School, that guy was a wuss. Because everyone is. Except maybe Ninja Zombie Jesus, or a robot moon Nazi or something but those aren’t really real so it doesn’t matter anyway. (Well, maybe the moon Nazis are real, but they’re not robots. And Jesus was a zombie, but he wasn’t a ninja, because duh -- he only knew jujitsu!)
The point being, Kyle was badass just by association, even though he really was not all that awesome and was still a total dork.
So it would be kind of hard not to say that he had a wicked awesome job, know what I’m saying? Awesome people are not often found in sucky jobs... well, okay, so maybe they are, so I retract that last one.
The School, though... it’s full of dangerous shit! Even places that aren’t Animal Testing, which is like badass central it’s so full of stupidly, retardedly, redundantly dangerous shit.
The fucking cafeteria could probably kill you, is what I’m trying to get across here. And it will, if you piss it off. So don’t fuck with the cafeteria, okay? Okay. Take it from one who knows... I mean, obviously, if you’re Jeb or Kyle or Reilly or them you can get away with it because you work there and are therefore a badass motherfucker. But if you’re some lamewad from the “real world”... forget it, fucko! You’re going down in a hail of tater tots!
So that was where Kyle worked. This place that could, and sometimes did, kill people because it fucking felt like it. If the fucking building woke up on the wrong side of the bed, it could and would kill your ass for kicks.
That alone set Kyle up for Badass stature. Surviving his job was pretty goddamn impressive. I mean seriously, I probably wouldn’t last a day, although that’s mostly because I would pass out from rampant fangirlism and embarrassment and that was the other thing that made Kyle so awesome. Well, Reilly really.
See, Reilly had been a huge, huge fanboy for Jeb in college, which you should already know if you paid any fucking attention. So when he eventually got to, like, work with the dude, it was like if Kyle regularly went out drinking with Otacon or something. Well, probably Snake, but you get my point.
It was awesome, is what I’m getting at. The fanboy getting to work with his idol, how sweet and mindblowingly awesome.
See, that’s the thing some people don’t get. Maybe Jeb and ter Borcht aren’t superglamorous fabulous rock stars like Max and her bitches. At least not in the normal-people world.
In the magical, cancer-curing-unicorn-filled land of scientists, they were like... like... like the Rolling Stones or something. They were, like, awesome. Like, the second coming of some awesome dude, maybe even Jesus if he spoke English and did science. Which he didn’t, but can you imagine how awesome it would be if he did? Nuclear Jesus! Everyone would worship the shit out of him, because otherwise he would nuke them into tiny radioactive dusty bits, and then nuke the dust until it quivered in submission and yelled UNCLE in its loudest little dust-size voice which wouldn’t be very loud at all but you get the point.
Kyle worked with awesome people and was himself awesome, is what I’m kind of trying to get across here. Except with a lot more swearing because hey, you can always use more dirty words, and the content of my swear jar goes to charity anyway, so it’s for a good cause, hey.
It’s not like he was a total altruist Pollyanna type, though. He was a lucky bastard, that too. It’s not every ho off the street just gets hired to work at the fucking School. Kyle lucked out and also he was a pretty damn good programmer or else they wouldn’t have hired him at all, because luck, despite what you may have heard, is not everything.
Anyway, he got paid pretty damn good. You had to pay people good if you wanted them to work around stupidly dangerous shit. It’s just common courtesy. Like, the most dangerous jobs pay the best a lot of the time, because otherwise no one would want to do them. If you at least get compensated awesomely, it’s kind of worth it. Although you’d still have to be fuckin’ stupid to do some things.
The thing about working at the School that made it kinda worth it -- besides being guaranteed awesome money and good insurance thanks to being backed by a fuckoff huge corporation and working with assloads of awesomely talented doctors -- was how cool it was.
Some jobs are just disgusting or boring or whatever and that’s why no one wants them.
But some jobs are just plain made of awesome. Maybe they’re hard or exclusive or dangerous, like working at the School... but it’s all made up for by how goddamned cool your everyday life is.
Okay, so sure, in a normal job you don’t have to worry about getting super-AIDS or getting mauled by a fuckin’ wolfman or even getting your ass kicked by a pissy mad scientist... but you also don’t get to, y’know, see super-AIDS, werewolves, or mad scientists.
Incidentally, since we’re here. All of those things are just as awesome (or deadly, as the case may be) in real life as they are in the movies. Super-AIDS will kill you dead and do it fast. Werewolves are, when they’re human, ridiculously handsome to the point of prettiness, and when they’re wolfy, furry as hell.
And mad scientists... well, the lab coat is kind of a duh, most of them do wear glasses, but only one or two have the goofy German accent, and that only goes when Doctor ter Borcht is way beyond too drunk or when he feels like putting it on. (If you fuck with Doctor Braun in Animal Testing and he really goes ballistic... hell hath no fury. The man does it deliberately, though, or at least that’s the conclusion most people who meet him come to.)
The only sucky thing really was that Kyle couldn’t exactly tell everyone about where he worked, ‘cause it’s kinda rude to be all like “hey bitches I work with fuckin’ werewolves” because not only is it in bad taste, it breaks your contract and that’s bad juju. Also it could get your coworkers, like, jailed, because that species, excuse the pun, of genetic manipulation, is way beyond illegal.
But, you know... besides all the deadly shit waiting to kick your ass (up to and including the fuckin’ cafeteria, Jesus H. Fuckchrist)... working at the School was a pretty rad job.
Kyle wouldn’t have given it up for the world.
-
Permalink Reply by Pyro H2O on
-
Today...was...o.o active. How the hell did a Saturday for me become so active? <.< Being active is strange...
© 2025 Created by Z.
Powered by
