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Protect the flock! From JP and Hachette!

Hark? Ye Harold's Angels Sing (Chapter Zero, Part A)

It was…

Another beautiful day in Eden. As it was every day.

It sickened me.

“So…take the fruit.”

The woman before me frowned, and scratched her head. “I don’t know…He said I shouldn’t.”

“Take the bloody fruit.”

“But He said,” she whined.

I put my hand on my head. This was going to be more difficult than we had planned.

“If I take the fruit, He said I’d die…”

“Look, I’m going to tell you this in a fashion you can understand. It. Is. A. Bloody. Piece. Of. Fruit. It’s not going to kill you. It might give you stomach problems. It might give you indigestion. Hell, it might even make you wish you were dead, but it won’t kill you. It’s. A piece. Of fruit.”

She frowned, and looked at it as if she was using every brain cell to think. “Good lord, these humans are dense,” I thought. “Look. I’ve eaten it. It tasted a bit off, but it didn’t kill me. All of the other animals eat from it. Your dog ate from it. It won’t kill you. The worst that can happen is Him finding out and getting upset, and he’s supposed to be all forgiving. Look, I’ll eat some of it now.”

I climbed up the tree and grabbed two of the fruit from the top, coming from a bushel of the green things. I dropped to the ground, and, staring at her with a determined look on my face, ripped the skin off of one and took a bite into the fruit.

Good gods, it tasted awful.

They were better when they were yellow, but that required waiting, and I wasn’t in the mood to wait.

I chewed it, carefully, before swallowing some of the awful stuff.

“See?” I said, my mouth full. “No death.”

“But he saaaaaiiiiid.

Cue facepalm.

“Look,” is said, putting my arm around her shoulder. “It is a piece of fruit. What is fruit meant for?”


Eating. They’re meant for eating. Not killing. Have you ever killed an animal with a piece of fruit?”

“Well, there was the whole Stegosaurus inciden-“

I interrupted her. “-That doesn’t count. At all. If only because even I don’t know how the hell you guys managed that. People down below have been laughing about it for the whole week, by the way.”

“Down below?”

“…Never mind. Look, I’ll put it this way. If you don’t eat the fruit, you’ll die.”

She furrowed her brow-good lord, she clearly inherited her wit and brain power from her father slash husband.

“…Why will I die if I don’t take it?”

“Because I’m going to drive a fucking spike through your head if you don’t. Your husband has plenty of more ribs, you can be replaced.”

“…Point taken.”

“Smashing. Now, are you going to eat the fruit, or not?”

“…Should I?”

Yes you incompetent-“ I stopped, before sighing, and gave her a look. “Look. What if you ate the fruit, but told Him you didn’t?”

Her brow furrowed again. “Would that work?”

“Come on. Trust me. Have I ever lied to you before?”

“Well, there was the whole incident with the other dinos-“

“-That doesn’t count, Besides, how was I supposed to know it’d go all…look. If you and your husband eat the apple, you’ll be like Him.”

She frowned, clearly confused. “What do you mean?”

“For one thing, you’ll be able to use words with more than two syllables. For another, you’ll be capable of choosing between good and evil.”

“What’s good and evil?”


That was actually a pretty good question.

“It means you’ll be able to disobey Him.”

“But….won’t I be disobeying him by taking the fruit?"



Ok, she had a point.

((Yay Awkward scene endings! :D))

Views: 4

Comment by Contradiction on December 6, 2010 at 2:31pm
:D *like*
Comment by Fake on December 6, 2010 at 2:46pm
It had my classmates BOLing when my teacher read it (Long story short, I turned it in, he liked it, and then he read it to the class. They were in tears.)

Including my crush. :DDDDDDDDDDDD

Naturally, that was because of the tone and pauses and whatnot (Which he hit spot on, akshoellie, completely as I intended) which I can't really convey through words, but, hopefully, the part I'm writing now (With the main characters celebrating yuletide [its set in an alternate reality where there were no Abrahamic religions, and thus no Christmas]. The main characters consist of Nate Akaciel (Nachashiel :D) a fallen Demon, Michael Talbot (An Archangel, and Nate's gay lover XD) Gabriel, a fallen angel and former archangel (She's a friend of Talbot's, and is visiting for the holidays), Alice, the teenage adopted daughter of Nate and Talbot, who happens to be the class president at her school and has the best grades(She's also the Antichrist, Devourer of Worlds. Don't make fun, as she IS capable of inflicting everlasting torment on you should she so choose), and, finally, two special guests. Here's a hint: Neither of them is Santa, but one is just a few letters away.
Comment by Contradiction on December 6, 2010 at 2:54pm
Gay romance between an angel and a demon. So unpredictable. XD

It is good, though. Narration is awesome.

Comment by Fake on December 6, 2010 at 2:59pm
To be fair, it is a tribute slash parody. Nate even drives a Bentley. XD

On a side note, teenage antichrist. Most hilarious concept ever. Expect there to be lulz.
Comment by Contradiction on December 6, 2010 at 3:03pm
I had a dream where I was given a Bentley. It was this really awful shade of green. I dunno why that was in my subconscious, nor why I'm telling you. XD Does your teacher know that?

Teenage girl antichrist, too. Do post more.
Comment by Fake on December 6, 2010 at 3:16pm
Imma take this down tomorrow. Ning owns everything posted, just remembered,
Comment by Contradiction on December 6, 2010 at 3:20pm
Wait, since when? According to what/whom?
Comment by nathan_p on December 6, 2010 at 3:22pm
Yeah, can you cite that? A two-minute check of the Ning TOS shows nothing, so I think that's just a Hachette-being-douches thing.
Comment by Fake on December 7, 2010 at 10:05am
EndOf said it, I think. I'm not going to argue. It's true on MX, at the least, so I'm not going to risk it. I'll email it to those interested.


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