Secret Confessions

[Doomy]

[Edited Because I Fracking Can]

Welcome to the Secret Confessions thread. Beyond the pure anonymity of the internet, there lies a certain level of understanding behind all the accounts here on FF. The SC account carries burden of allowing the user to give a candid, private confession with (hopefully) understanding feedback. The SC thread is for other posters to give kind and/or helpful advice, words of empathy, or a secret of their own (under the SC name or not).

This account is a group account, and EVERYONE needs to treat it respectfully. By posting under the Secret Confessor, you are pledging to refrain from hate mail, "finger-pointing", insulting and being a jerkface. By posting in the SC thread, you are pledging to keep the comments respectful. This has not yet been a problem, but it's nice to have written down "just in case".

If you would like to use the SC account for ANY reason beside posting in this thread, please PM me- even if it's under the SC name (this is not to exert authority, but to maintain order over a very accessible account).

Thank you!


email/login:
[e-mail]
Password: secret

[Brandybuck]

While self reflections are trending...

Two Summers Ago I...

Thought I could play guitar cause I sort of knew the riff of "Sweet Child o' Mine."  I assumed I was internet-savvy because I lurked around here and MX.  I was still relatively religious, in a way, though I never would have admitted it at the time.  I had friends that I had worked fucking hard to make in a small, relatively pretentious Catholic School.  I was convinced that by the time I was sixteen, I would be a published author or respected musician and that I would stand at podiums telling people about my philosophy and my success and they would respect my opinion.  I listened to bands based solely on the fact that nobody else had heard of them, and if I'd known a phrase like "The System" at the time, I probably would have used it constantly.  Because I viewed myself as an accomplished "hipster" my views were solidly liberal.  I considered myself well read because I read books like "Silence of the Lambs" and "Pet Sematary" between Maximum Ride and Eragon.

 

Now...

I consider myself an accomplished musician because I play mandolin, guitar, cello, and piano (though none particularly well).  I've seen/experienced things on the internet I hope to never see/experience again, but know I will because I'm on 4chan as regularly as Youtube.  I'm socially Agnostic, except in the presence of my parents, and am honestly struggling to describe what I actually consider myself.  I have more friends then I did in middle-school, but I also go to a bigger school, and I loathe the majority of them.  I still want to be a writer, but I know a little bit more about how the world works, and I realize I might have to hold these aspirations until after college.  I still have this weird vision of myself talking into a microphone about the troubles of daily life, however, and my biggest goal in life is to have people respect my opinion.  I listen to bands based on if they sound good (including a large bit of classical), except for "Butthole Surfers" who I listen to because they're fucking awful.  I acknowledge now that I'm fairly ignorant in regards to politics, but based on what I know now regard myself as economically conservative and morally liberal.  I take pride in the fact that my taste in books is exceedingly poor; I hate the majority of classic literature, and read only what entertains me, which, at the moment, is Stephen King's Dark Tower series.  And though I pretend not to be, and refuse to tell anybody, I'm more fucking miserable, lonely, and lost then I've ever felt before.

[Fate]

I dare not say this on facebook, so I shall post it here.

 

Yesterday, 9/10/11, would have been my mom's fifty-second birthday. I miss her.

 

That is all.

[Xuut]

:|

 

I'm sorry Fate. 

 

-Hugs- 

[Lamp Post]

*offers tea*

You alright?

 

 

[Xuut]

Ahahahahhahahaha, best friend my fucking ass. 

 

You are the biggest fucking piece of shit I have ever wasted even a millisecond of my time on. And I don't even think that about my brother. 

 

Fuck you.

Fuck your dreams.

Fuck everything I ever felt for you.

 

Aaaaaand, please forget ever hoping to speak to me without me giving you the finger/swearing at you. People say that girls are dramatic and shallow bitches, but YOU seem to be proving that wrong. 

You are not even worthy of my tears. All I can think of is, "ahahah, fuck you. fuck you. fuck you,. fuck you. And god dammit, I'm so glad I did not waste a second longer on you."  

[Secret Confessor]

Beware. Mostly pointless rant ahead.

 

I am not capable of giving up on people. Which is bad. I mean, it has its upsides, but it’s so bad. It sticks me in relationships that make me unhappy. Because I just can’t let them go and it’s terrible.

 

My friend, let’s say his name is Jon, is so frustrating. We’re constantly at odds. All we do is argue. One day, we were hanging out and we argued nonstop. For five and a half hours. Five. And a half. Hours. When my sister pointed out that that was how long I had been gone, I couldn’t believe it.

 

I’m texting him nonstop. A hard habit to break, I suppose. I can’t ignore him, even when I wish that I could.

 

But I love him to death. As irritating, annoying, and just flat out frustrating as he almost always is, I love him to death. And I genuinely care about him.

 

Which, I suppose, brings up another problem. He doesn’t really care about me. Not half as much as I care about him. And don’t get the wrong impression, there’s no romance here. But I consider him one of my best friends. And I don’t know what I’m going to do when I inevitably lose him. Because I will lose him and it’s going to hurt me. But one of the many things we argue about is his opinion on people. He believes they’re replaceable and I can’t persuade him otherwise. He feels like I can easily replace him. And I know damn well he believes he can replace me.

 

Maybe the second statement is true, but I know just as well that the first is not. Sure, I’ll get another close guy friend, but it won’t be him, you know? There’s only one Jon and I wish he understood that, but despite my best efforts, he doesn’t.

 

A few weeks ago, he scared the hell out of me. I honestly thought he had killed himself and I was so damn scared that it wasn’t even funny. And I worry often. It’s usually irrational. But this scared me even more, because it wasn’t irrational. It was perhaps even logical. He was upset; he’d been depressed. I’d been trying to explain why suicide wasn’t the best option, but I had class. Told him I would text him later. He said that he might not answer. And then proceeded to not answer for several hours. I didn’t have my total nervous breakdown until I stopped by his house and no one answered. I cried on the way home, I was so worried.

 

He thinks I overreacted. And that he’s not worth crying over. I (clearly) disagree. I wish he would understand how much I care, but he just doesn’t get it. And I suppose it makes some sense. He’s family is pretty screwed up. I don’t really know if he’s ever had anyone else actually care about him and it makes me sad.

 

He’s also convinced that I will inevitably abandon him, which won’t happen. If more because I can’t than because I don’t want to. I just couldn’t do that to him. To anyone really, but especially him. He doesn’t believe I’ll stick around though.

 

And what does it matter? I’m replaceable.

 

Still, his lack of faith kind of hurts me. But I can’t ask him to have any faith. Whenever he does, he just gets hurt.

 

I know that this friendship is harmful. Perhaps not to him, but definitely to me. He’s going into the navy and I know that as soon as he leaves, our friendship is done. It sounds harsh, but it’s true. Not a fact I resent, but one I don’t enjoy. But he won’t keep in touch. And it’s easier to let go of those who know us best anyways. No one to remind us of our flaws, I guess. It’s whatever. And it’s not an if, it’s a when. I’ll encourage him to keep in touch, but he won’t. I know he won’t. Because I know him better than anyone else. I don’t even know why. We didn’t become close until after he graduated. It makes no sense, but it’s not the point. The point is, I’m unimportant and we won’t stay friends.

 

And, even if I can barely admit it to myself, it kills me a little inside.

 

I needn’t hear about how I’ll find better friends, or someone else, or how I am important, or how he will miss me, how he isn’t worth my time, or how someone will always be there for me. The truth is, I have better friends. I don’t need someone else. He won’t miss me. I truly find him worth my time. And I have someone there for me all the time and I love her to death for it. I’m not asking for any advice, truth be told. I just needed to vent and this was the only place I could say it.

 

He’s going to leave. And I’m going to miss him a lot more that I dare say. And honestly, I kind of hate myself for it.

 

I wish, sometimes, that I could give up on people. And then hate myself for wishing that, because he needs me, at least for now.

 

I love him. I hate him. Mostly, I hate myself.

 

(And I feel better now that I’ve ranted. I apologize for the length.)

[Fate]

I think my depression is coming back. Well, not so much coming back as it is resurfacing. Coming back implies that it left in the first place.

 

It's just... I don't know. Lately, I just feel rather bleh. I don't want to spend time with my friends, or be at home. I feel stressed and shitty. I'm keeping a lot of things from my friends, but I don't know how to tell them. Can't find the words I suppose. I don't know.

 

I miss you guys. v.v None of this is your problem, but you always used to make me feel better. Just coming here made me feel better. But it's more complicated than that now...

 

Well, I'm not sure I had a point. But I wanted to rant. I had hoped that it would at least make me feel a little less shitty, but it didn't...

[Lamp Post]

*offers tea*

 

I miss you beyond loads too.

And I'll always be here for you.  

 

And imma try to spam you next time you're online.

[Secret Confessor]

You know what?

 

Screw the lot of you.

[Fake]

If this is about us not responding to one of your confessions, I'm sorry. I'll try to do some more of that.

 

Otherwise, care to explain?

[Secret Confessor]

Compiled a list of all I dislike about myself. Didn't expect the results... Sorry for the spam. v.v

 

I hate how I’m a whore. Emotionally, anyways. My attention span with guys is only two or so weeks.

 

I hate how I’m bisexual, but I’m only out with eight people.

 

I hate how of those eight people, I’m only comfortable with myself around two.

 

I hate how of those two, only one of them still lives here.

 

I hate how not being out makes me feel awkward and guilty around EVERYONE else.

 

I hate having three good friends who are homophobic.

 

I hate how I can’t find the words to tell some of my closest friends.

 

I hate how the only reason the eight people know is because one of them guessed (she’s fucking psychic, I swear) and it dominoed from there.

 

I hate how I haven’t told any of you yet.

 

I hate how I’m scared to try.

 

I hate how my attention span with girls is way longer. Simply because I refuse to try dating one until after high school.

 

I hate how I can’t accept myself.

 

I hate how some of my guy friends consider me a tease.

 

I hate how they’re right.

 

I hate how, even knowing that’s true, I can’t seem to stop it.

 

I hate how I feel like I have no one to turn to anymore.

 

I hate how the only person I feel like I can talk to doesn’t give a damn.

 

I hate how stubborn I am.

 

I hate how I made a promise and I so desperately want to break it, but I’m too stubborn to do so. Keeping it will be the death of me.

 

I hate how long this list is.

 

I hate how much it doesn’t cover.

 

I hate how little I talk to most of you anymore.

 

I hate how I’m drifting from so many of my friends.

 

I hate how I’m keeping so many secrets from so many people.

 

I hate how I feel like I can’t tell my immediate family, ‘Hey. I like girls every now an then. And you know that one good friend of mine? Yeah, I’ve been crushing on her for two years now. And the feelings aren’t fading. If anything, they’re getting stronger.’ It’s not that my immediate family won’t accept it. They will. But, they’ll tell my extended family. Because my family doesn’t keep secrets. And the thing is, they won’t. And I can’t deal with that.

 

I hate how I have a crush on that girl. I don’t want to lose her as a friend because of a selfish desire to be more than that.

 

I hate how she’s gay but won’t tell me if she feels the same. Or won’t tell me if she doesn’t. I can handle it either way. But I’d seriously appreciate an answer.

 

I hate how those feelings aren’t fading, but getting stronger.

 

I hate how I find myself staring at her in math class.

 

I hate how I see her everyday.

 

I hate how much it ruins my day when I don’t see her.

 

I hate how I can’t be selfish, even when I need to be.

 

I hate how selfish I am, when it comes to the only thing that I’m selfish about.

-I hate how I can’t let him go, even when I know it’s the only way he’ll ever be happy.

-I hate knowing he’d drop everything for me, when I don’t feel the same.

-I hate knowing how that feels, because I’d do it for someone else.

 

I really hate how long this list is.

 

I hate how it’s not even done, but I’m forcing myself to stop here.

 

I hate how much I passionately hate myself.

[EndOfTheEarth]

And yet, we like you anyway. You shouldn't feel ashamed to tell any of us about this stuff, and as far as I can tell we're a pretty liberal bunch here--you won't take any flack for it.

 

Regarding the girl, just tell her; as you said, you don't have much reason not to other than your own uncertainty; and if she values you as a friend, she'll put more worth in your being honest with her that personal physical confusion.

 

Same goes for the guy you're having trouble parting with. I've broken up with someone due to personal reasons who I thought I cared strongly for; it's hell for the rest of the day, but then you move on. I want to let you know that it's doable--it's painful, but doable.

 

And finally, it's human nature to have trouble accepting yourself for who you are--don't hate yourself about that.

 

Here's a nice landscape image. Stare at it for a while, breathe, and remind yourself that the world is a manageable place.